That wasn't a room, that was my life...

As implied in the subject of today's post, I am no longer among the living. It's true. It has taken me a few days to figure out how to post in my now incorpreal state but it wound up being surprisingly easy.

Oh, how did I die you ask? It's the darnedest thing actually. Remember when I told you I had found a room in town and would write more about town after I had gotten some sleep? Well, you don't get more sleep than this. And that room, well, it wasn't actually a room at all. It winds up, someone had left a rather large wood chipper box just sitting there looking all room like. I just thought all those blades were some kind of post modern art. It wasn't until I tried to turn on the light switch, which incidentally was not a light switch, that my delimma was realized. As realization dawned, I found myself suddenly fertalizing a large pile of wood chips on the other side of the "room".

It really was quite painless, you know, compared to getting a 100000 razor cuts while swimming in a pool of 120 proof. That is to say, it hurt like hell, but only briefly. The next thing I knew, I could fly, which is actually kind of sweet, however, I can only fly within about 20 feet of where my splatter landed.

Now, you would think this would be a boring fate, never being able to fly beyond your own remains, but remember, my remains were spread over a pile of wood chips. Wood chips that are even now being carried to gardens unknown in places across the known world. I can already see a lot of places I recognize and many I don't. It seems wherever my splatter is taken, a piece of me (please excuse the redundant phrasing) goes as well. I discovered that I can actually pop in and out of each of these locations at will.

I have never been much of a practical joker, well, not since the whole Joey incident, but in my new state, I am feeling a wee bit froggy. I think I will go out and test my limits now. Barring some unforeseeable incident with a camaflagued Ghost chipper, I should be back later to report on my activities.

In case the unforeseeable incident comes to fruition, just know this...

Oh, I forgot what I was going to say....

Ah well, maybe I'll send more news tomorrow.

Fresh Air

Finally! My house quit playing tricks on me today, so I was finally able to go outside. It started off uneventful enough. The only thing of note being that the grass had left my yard to mingle with the greener grasses of my neighbors yard. No loyalty whatsoever these days.

At any rate, I shrugged it off and headed for the path into town. Normally, by foot, it would take approximately 8 hours, 17 minutes, and 33 seconds to walk into town, give or take a day, but the township had installed these new government run transports for our convenience. I should be there sometime next month, barring a reoocuarnce of last month's delimma where the good folks in town who pull the rope that drags the conveyance toward town at an exhillerating pace of a dead chipmunk, (We call those folks the Tack-Spayers, I have no idea where it comes from) all at once decided to take a holiday. By the time they came back, and pulled us the rest of the way into town, 5 passengers had died from natural causes, (naturally they had gotten on someone's nerves and were beaten to death), a baby was born (and I believe conceived on the same voyage), and I had managed to learn how to whistle between my fingers, much to the dismay of my fellow passengers. They had only beaten me a little though, so all in all, uneventful.

I got to the conveyance station and noticed the ropes connecting it to the mountain pass which it would be hoisted over seemed be missing. Several folks on the transport had already grown beards and I thought I heard the cry of a new born baby, so I decided to walk.

I could climb the mountain pass, walk the 8 hours around the east face, or just take the tunnel and be there in a few minutes. I chose the 8 hour walk. Bad things happen in that tunnel. Bad... bad... things.

But I digress. I walked the normal path and got there just as the twin suns disappeared on the other side of the mountain. I guess I'll be staying in town tonight.

Tomorrow, I'll explore town a bit and fill you in.

Never blink

Wow, two days have passed... I must have blinked. Stupid time displacement parrot. Ah well, it happens. I guess its Karma coming around to bite me. I never should have talked Joey into checking the time knowing that he has some kind of Turret Syndrome that causes him to twitch and blink a lot. As far as I know, he is still standing in my old apartment staring into that parrot's eyes.

It was funny at the time... and the complex has been curse word free ever since, but still, it does make me feel bad from time to time. But enough dwelling on the past. On to the events of the day.

There were no strange, time misplaced, roars coming from outside, and the Parrot did mention that the year was now 1217 AD, so I figured it would be somewhat safe to go outside. So I did just that. Except, when I opened the door and stepped where my yard was predisposed to hanging out, I found myself stepping out of my bedroom instead, and into the bathroom.

Ok, maybe I was dreaming. I thought about it for a few moments and then pinched myself, stifling a yelp of surprise, and decided right then and there that if you were going to pinch yourself, maybe it would be best to pick a spot that didn't take too long to recover from. And never do it while using the bathroom. To easy to make painful mistakes.

At any rate, I removed the human waste disposal device, which I honestly do not remember inserting in the first place, emptied it into the nano-bot feeder and then walked back into my bedroom. Or so I had thought. Winds up, I found myself entering the kitchen instead. At this point, it was evident that the day was not going to improve.

I opened the refrigerator and reached in to grab some cold protein and nearly cried out as the intense heat of the oven seered my flesh. Ok, now it was just getting dangerous. I decided to sit in the middle of the room and write my latest update.

That was my day so far...

Maybe Randomida, or is it Randomima now, maybe this place wasn't such a good idea after all...

I wonder if it would let me move. I hear there is a planet with a single sun, where the occupants are more of a danger to themselves than their surroundings are. I shall look into this.

Better late than never

I know, I know. I have been remiss in posting my daily updates, but what can I say? My curtains came in, and since then, I have not been able to keep my days in order. I have apparently slept through 2 full days. If it had not been for the dire need to use the human waste disposal device (not to be confused with the human disposal device, won't make that mistake twice), I would probably still be asleep.

But enough excuses. On to my day. We will skip pass the relief effort, as I am sure all of you know how the human waste disposal device works. I mean, who could forget something so uncomfortable and often painful. I am certain we all would if we could. At any rate, when the bleeding stopped, I checked the time.

Now this process is not as simple as it sounds. First you have to look into the eyes of the time displacement parrot. Don't blink, unless you want to spend the next 24 hours locked in that exact moment. I have lost many a day that way. Once the parrot completes his journey through time and space, he will respond to you as appropriate.

"It is 2 hours, 37 minutes, 14 seconds passed the noon hour..." it started.

"Ah good", I thought, it's about my normal time to get up.

"March 19th..." it continued.

"Wow, 2 days overslept. Good thing I had nothing better to do..." my mind rambled.

"21970992 BC!" the parrot concluded.

Wait, what?

Just then, I heard a god aweful noise coming from outside. I ran to the front door, well, more like a brisk jog... ok, so I slowly crept to the front door and peered out the window. I peered to the left, taking notice that my newly budding daffodils were just shrugging off the deadly effects of the morning suns rise. I then slowly glanced to the right and discovered the mailbox was not only full, but crying hysterically. But that is pretty routine. It cries everytime a bill comes in. It is such a sensitive mailbox.

Oh, and there was a giant Tyranosourus Rex glaring at me. The mailman's legs were still hanging from it's mouth. It slurped them in and looked away as if hoping I had not just witnessed it devouring the guy who brings such sadness to my mailbox every day.

I closed the curtains and decided today would be a good day to stay in. You know, watch some UniverseTube, take care of some neglected personal hygeine issues, survive to live another day...

I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow, good lord willing.

Newer and more exciting...er... things

So I woke up this morning, crushed up against my furry space ferret. I know it's not a very original name for a creature, but it is so aptly named. I mean, it gets in the way every now and then, but it makes for a very warm blanket when it sleeps due to the way it expands until it has taken up all available space in the room. Who needs throw pillows and comforters when you have a space ferret.

All that aside, I had just woken up from a frightfilled night of sleeping poppy's and gem stoned dragons when I thought I had heard a noise in the room. At first I thought Filkie, my space ferret, had maybe crushed my hamsters but then I remembered, they never woke up from the last time he did that. So I poked at Filkie until he woke up and rather groggily shrank back to his normal ferret size. As he did, I was immediately blinded... again... by the twin suns' abusive radiance. Man, I wish I knew when those curtains were going to come in.

I started to cuss, knowing that I had at least 10 filacs on the nightstand with which I could pay toward the local swear jar, when I heard the noise again. I tried to locate the source, but my head was still throbbing and all I could see were orange and violet splotches. It wasn't until one of the splotches moved, most definitely one of the violet ones, that I realized that someone, or something, was in the room with me.

"Who's there?" I yelled out.

"No one," came a soft yet unconvincing gender neutral voice.

"If you're no one, then how is it that I hear you?" I asked, doing my best to portray an "I got you" look, which was rather difficult, what with all the blinking and everything.

The voice, having been gotten, remained silent. I struggled to blink away the morning dazzle when I heard the previously gotten No one moving closer to me.

"What do you want?" I asked, more out of terror than polite ice breaker.

The violet splotch paused for a moment and then reluctantly spoke up.

"I was sent to warn you," it eventually uttered.

"Warn me? Warn me of what?" I asked, my eyes most assuradely crossed.

"I am to warn you to stay indoors and quit wandering Randomida," it replied trying to sound menacing, successfully, I might add.

"I thought it was called Randomica?" I queried.

"It was," said the voice, a sudden confused tone masking it's evil malice.

"What do you mean it was?" I asked, starting to get a feel for the conversation.

"It's not just the terrain and occupants that change every day... Heck, it hasn't been Randomica in a couple of weeks," the voice added incredulously.

I could feel my blush burn through the haze of colors swirling before my face.

"What was it called yesterday," I asked hesitantly.

"Randomila, of course," it stated matter of factly.

"Of course," I pretended to understand. "So, umm, why am I supposed to stay inside?"

"Because you are upsetting the natural order," it stated flatly.

"What? How am I doing that?" I responded, feeling a new headache coming on.

"You are introducing an element which is not condusive to the nature of.. " the sound of shuffling papers rose up from the violet splotch," nature...," it finished.

"Oh," I replied, hoping the dejection in my voice translated properly for the violet splotch.

"So, how do I cleanse myself of this 'element' so I can venture back outside?" I asked after a long, sad pause.

"I dunno, it would take an act of randomness, I guess," it responded with a bit of a curious tone.

I thought about this as I quietly smeared the ferret's head into a half eaten orange.

"How do I do that?" I asked.

The voice sighed to itself, muttered something about "never mind, you are good to go" and then faded away. As a matter of fact, I couldn't even see the splotch anymore. Everything in the room came sharply into focus. No one was there, and by that I mean I was alone with my ferret, dead hampsters, and piles of clean but unkempt socks, not to be confused with the aforenamed No one who embodied the previously mentioned purple splotch.

Just then the door opened and 3 small birds flew in and grabbed hold of my hair and forcibly drug me outside into the setting suns' light.

Now, I am not sure what to make of all of this, but I felt at the very least, it was worth sharing. But after reading over it, I may be having second thoughts...

New and exciting things

I woke up this morning, as most morning, blinded by the twin suns both breaking the horizon at exactly the same moment and sending their orange and violet rays directly into my still sleep filled eyes. Quickly my lids closed in a vane attempt to protect my throbbing head from the illuminating assault but, alas, they were too late. 40 minutes later, my vision cleared and I was able to officially start my day. First order of business, get on EDock and order those new lead lined curtains for my bedroom window.

Once the order was placed, I decided to take the time to find a matching pair of socks within the many piles that littered my room. This was a big step for me, having finally figured out how to use the Clothing Sanitation System, I now had piles of clean clothes thrown everywhere. Maybe today I should try to figure out the Clothing Orderly Space Management System. Nah, one technological victory per week should suffice, less I get a big head.

Two hours later, after eating my daily dose of protein and fiber, I checked the radiometer and found that the twin suns had pushed out as much death as they were going to on this day, so I decided to head outside and see what new wonders would meet me.

You see, in these parts, everyday brings something different. On the other side of the planet, they never see anything new. The same animals, plants, rocks, people... Nothing ever changes. That's why I moved out here to the Randomica in the first place. I need variety. It's also why my last twelve or so relationships crashed and burned like a Nebulonian Phoenix in a Methlab, but I digress.

Just this morning, a curious new breed of poppy appeared. It had a very unique protection mechanism. When I attempted to get a closer look, it sprayed a strange gel at me. The gel was cold and soothing to the touch but didn't have any ill effects on me. The poppy however slumped over and emitted a soft snoring sound. I pushed it and pushed it, but it simply would not stand back up. An odd little flower...

But let me tell you what I found later this afternoon. I was walking through the strangle vine forest, an oddly named forest filled with large oak-like trees but not a single visible vine among them, when I came across a cave where yesterday there had been a quiet pond. I carefully walked up to its entrance and peered within, curiosity being my greatest of vulnerabilities. There, where once had floated a small island complete with a tiny fruit tree, now sat what had to be the cutest little critter I had ever laid eyes upon. It was covered in scales as green and opulent as emeralds. It looked back at me through glowing ruby eyes. It opened its elongated snout into a jagged filled yawn, it's slight movement casting rainbow hues across the cavern walls. I smiled at it with unhidden adulation and started to walk toward it. I simply had to touch it. As I approached it, caution now thoroughly thrown to the wind, I reached out my hand to let it sniff me. That is what you are supposed to do, right? They sniff, they smell that you are a good person and then they let you pet them, put a collar on their neck and take them home to fetch slippers and look cute for the prospective ladies? Well, it sniffed my hand all right. It then screamed with a startling loudness "POPPY PUSHER!!!" and then ran deep into the cave.

I was flabbergasted...

The next thing I know, I was swimming next to a small island with a fruit tree in a small quiet pond. Though disconcerting, it was not as frightful an experience as knowing that I would have to now go home and try to remember how to use the Clothing Sanitation System to clean and dry my favorite, and only, pair of matched socks.

So, how was your day?

Welcome to the Daily Day Dream Blog of Gus Gallows

A most warm welcome to my readers now numbering in the single digits... Ok, so I don't have any yet, but I can dream, right? Heck, that's the whole purpose of this particular blog. Most blogs these days are based on facts and the going ons of various folks who do not mind putting it out there for the world to see. This one is going to be different. I do not wish to bore you with doldrum day to day activities of an aspiring author who fills too much time managing email systems for a living. So I thought, why not nurture my muse and write a blog that is completely fictional? I know, right?

So here is my pledge to you. Nothing in this blog will ever be based on fact and only sometimes loosely related to reality (much like its author). This is where my day dreams will come to life for you to read, if you are so bold and/or bored to be inclined to read them. I hope so. I look forward to your comments and thank you for taking time from your busy schedules to share my day dreams.

Much love,
Chris Allen, AKA Gus Gallows